Mumma Struggles

Sleep has gotten so much more difficult this week. I have been woken several times each night by vivid nightmares that have me convinced that Little Bear is ill and/or hurt. Then when I wake to consciousness and current reality. Worry and fears become tears and hopelessness that keeps me up. When I am finally able to fall back asleep the process repeats a few more times through the night. The days have been tough. I am feeling like a zombie from the lack of adequate sleep and worried about how Little Bear is. I wonder if the nightmares are the same thing that was causing the panic attacks I was having each night in March and when I can expect to ever get a good nights sleep again.

I am really struggling with what feels like a rising level of prejudice bases fear in my local community and our world.  I fear what this rise will mean for the future in my lifetime. my daughters and generations beyond. Seeing the increased hatred of immigrants and refugees, LGBTQ2S+  or anyone seen as hurts my heart. Immigrants enrich our world, my community, and my life in countless ways.  I know EVERY Canadian unless they are an immigrant themselves has ancestors that were immigrants. Whether that was a generation ago or so far back there is no record. Humanity did not originate here. We all came from somewhere else. Every one of us is a unique member of the global community. No two people have had the same life.  Far too many people are willing to make choices for others based on their own prejudices instead of having a discussion with "the others". I struggle with how I can effect a truly positive change to this negative direction to help with the right...

It is Easter Sunday. I am only slightly aware of that fact but acutely aware that it has been 44 days since I last held my daughter. 44 days of worry about her mental and physical health. 44 days of confusion and worry about why she has decided to take this hurtful path. 44 days of tears. I have been told I cannot have any contact with her until after the court has heard that application that is currently before it. An application that they seem to be working to make take as long as possible by delaying providing legal disclosure as long as possible. I hold one of her beloved stuffies close several times a day and whisper my love to it hoping somehow that she will magically feel that love fill her where she is. Meanwhile, I am starting to force myself to make plans for a future without my daughter. This is something I never want to do. I am so proud of the young woman she is typically and hope to watch her grow even more amazing as she journeys through adolescence and into the ea...