Skip to main content

Heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on

It is Easter Sunday. I am only slightly aware of that fact but acutely aware that it has been 44 days since I last held my daughter. 44 days of worry about her mental and physical health. 44 days of confusion and worry about why she has decided to take this hurtful path. 44 days of tears.

I have been told I cannot have any contact with her until after the court has heard that application that is currently before it. An application that they seem to be working to make take as long as possible by delaying providing legal disclosure as long as possible.

I hold one of her beloved stuffies close several times a day and whisper my love to it hoping somehow that she will magically feel that love fill her where she is.

Meanwhile, I am starting to force myself to make plans for a future without my daughter. This is something I never want to do. I am so proud of the young woman she is typically and hope to watch her grow even more amazing as she journeys through adolescence and into the early years of adulthood.



“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. 
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” 
― Elizabeth Stone

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Father's and Daughter's

When I see father's and daughters interact with each other in a loving manner it is super touching but I also feel like crying. I only realized today when watching a friends video why that might be. We only lived with the AP for part of our child's first year of life. During that time he treated us almost like we were invisible when we were at home unless he was raging at me. Tender moments of dad holding and playing with his daughter never happened unless there was an audience. I stayed in a horribly abusive relationship that still haunts me over a decade later because I believed she needed the opportunity to have a relationship with him. But he was not giving her his time and not connecting and I never fully connected with that as well I have today. Our relationship ended and I still hoped for years that he would give her that deep love. I encouraged him many times to engage her one on one. To learn who she is and what makes her heart sing. Who she wants to become. But sh...
Post a Comment
Read more

Struggling with Hate based on prejudice

I am really struggling with what feels like a rising level of prejudice bases fear in my local community and our world.  I fear what this rise will mean for the future in my lifetime. my daughters and generations beyond. Seeing the increased hatred of immigrants and refugees, LGBTQ2S+  or anyone seen as hurts my heart. Immigrants enrich our world, my community, and my life in countless ways.  I know EVERY Canadian unless they are an immigrant themselves has ancestors that were immigrants. Whether that was a generation ago or so far back there is no record. Humanity did not originate here. We all came from somewhere else. Every one of us is a unique member of the global community. No two people have had the same life.  Far too many people are willing to make choices for others based on their own prejudices instead of having a discussion with "the others". I struggle with how I can effect a truly positive change to this negative direction to help with the right...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Weight of it ALL

I feel so much more alone, scared and tired than I was when I was suicidal in early adolescence. It is as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest stomped on, blended up, and then spat in my face by the other people at are supposed to love and care about my daughters (and my) welfare and despite this, I am as far from suicidal as I could get. Working ideas spinning on how to pick up the pieces of the beautiful caring person I know I am that they are trying to destroy. I want to rip these toxic people out of my life and will as much as possible and as soon as possible. I need to create a safe space around myself that I currently do not have. There is a tiny piece of me under the rubble unwilling to stop fighting to be heard. Driven through the tears frustration and heartbreak to be heard and lead the rescue team so that I can to a brighter future for my daughter and myself. The hardest part that same daughter I am fighting to get the right help for has been...
Post a Comment
Read more