Mumma Struggles

I do not want to exist in a world where it can be believed that I would harm another being. Never mind that they have accused me of harming the living being I love more than anything ever. I cannot harm anyone including myself. I guess I will continue to be in pain struggling until my body either decide to let this painful grief go or my organs stop operating Each day is agony filled. Please make this pain stop. 

I cannot give my daughter the parents she deserves.  I have struggled for years to give her that. I spent a lot of energy attempting to give her that.  I can love her like a fierce momma bear but I cannot make her father come to the table.  I can consciously refuse to engage in behavior that will damage her relationship with her father but I cannot make her father do the same.  Our daughter is a unique loving quirky beautiful young woman. She is magical.  She has been torn apart by a parent that no problem in making negative statements about her mother to her.  Hopefully, these acts do not destroy her soul. Hopefully, when she wakes to this she is able to cope with the damage he has done and is able to recover from it. 

When I see father's and daughters interact with each other in a loving manner it is super touching but I also feel like crying. I only realized today when watching a friends video why that might be. We only lived with the AP for part of our child's first year of life. During that time he treated us almost like we were invisible when we were at home unless he was raging at me. Tender moments of dad holding and playing with his daughter never happened unless there was an audience. I stayed in a horribly abusive relationship that still haunts me over a decade later because I believed she needed the opportunity to have a relationship with him. But he was not giving her his time and not connecting and I never fully connected with that as well I have today. Our relationship ended and I still hoped for years that he would give her that deep love. I encouraged him many times to engage her one on one. To learn who she is and what makes her heart sing. Who she wants to become. But sh...

Sixity-five days of worry about my girl and today was one of the hardest ones so far. It has been the first Mother's Day I have had without her love. hugs and her sweetness. Hopefully, this is the last as well.  She did not call, there were no messages just heartbreaking silence. My surro-daughter/sister/friend in Ontario called to make sure I knew I was loved and loving. It made a huge difference. I love you Little Bear 💓 and I know I am loved by you   ~ Mumma

I have been a mother to my earthside Little Bear for 12 years, 11 months and 19 days. Every one of those days has ended with "I love you. Have a good nights sleep" a practice that will continue "as long as I am living my baby you'll be" She might not be hearing those words right now but I send them out into our world nightly confident despite any distance between us my love will reach her and will spread throughout her. Bringing to her a deep comfort that Mummy loves her so very much.