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Pain

Day 134

The pain of having my baby gone is intense. I am crying randomly.

I get hurtful angry voicemail messages from her,

I do not think we will ever be able to repair the immense damage to our mother-daughter relationship that her father has done. That she has been complicit in.

I have loved her every moment from the very first moment I suspected she existed before I even had confirmation of pregnancy. Through every challenge. Her father's emotional, physical, financial and sexual abuse. Through the past 12 years of the continued abuse via the courts and now children services. Through all of her mental health and behavioral challenges. I have loved her for every minute.

It is so hard right now but still, I love her. I want her home. I want to get her the health supports she needs to deal with the abuse he is now and clearly for a long time has been subjecting her to.

I fear for her future.

I want the very best complete life for her.

I fear she will forget how strong she is. I fear she will forget how much she is loved. I fear someday she will decide the pain is too much and she will somehow harm herself.

AND

I seek a way to find a crack in the shell her father has built around her to leave my love for her to find. To find her way back. To give her the keys to reach out when she is ready. I hope when the pain is too much instead of self-harming she will use that love and reach out to me. Then we can rebuild and repair the damage of the abuse of her father on both of our lives.

<3 You Baby Bear
            Every Day, Always.

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