Skip to main content

Alienating Parent Projecting on the Target Parent

I do not answer if I know AP is triggered because nothing good ever comes from it.

Projection, I have seen a number of alienators accuse the target parent of alienation. You are not alone.

Years ago, my ex gave me a pamphlet on alienation on which he had highlighted the actions he was accusing me of participating. I knew I was not participating in alienation activities. I was very conscious of not letting Kiddo know just how bad the relationship between me and father is. He was abusive and I was exit safety planning with a counselor when they were a baby when AP came home and announced he was leaving. I felt like I won the lottery and avoided a huge physical attack I felt he was building up to.

In the years since I have learned how to manage the conflict and Kiddo had no conscious memory of any of the abuse. All communication with any possibility of conflict has been via writing for a very long time. I have always been super conscious of my words and body language around ex and when Kiddo discusses their father.

There were a few times when my family members made questionable comments about Kiddo's father over the years. Immediately I attempted to discuss with them that their comments were damaging to Kiddo and Kiddo's chances of having a healthy relationship with their father. And if they were to repeat their actions they would not be able to continue to see Kiddo because as Kiddo's mother I am responsible for protecting them from actions of others that might damage Kiddo's relationship with their parents. (I wish my AP ex was able to do the same). Kiddo was sheltered from any knowledge of conflict between AP and I until they were 8 when AP started to openly (alienation was covert until then) making false alienating statements about me and my home to Kiddo. Kiddo confused came to me confused by these lies and wanted to discuss them. Because I had been told many times over the 8 years children deserve to be sheltered from the parental conflict I refused to discuss it with Kiddo. This aided APs alienation.

(I do not know in hindsight if I would do this again. I wonder if I had confronted his lies with the evidence the years of abuse via the court have taught me to keep if I could have stopped this new form of potent abuse he turned to.
But it also took each step along the journey for me to learn just how little he cares about Kiddos health and how far he is willing to go to punish me. I kept thinking he is going to wake and engage in Kiddos life. Kiddo is currently living with him 100% time, not my choice at all, and there is still no evidence he has engaged in their life.)

We are only responsible for our own actions. Responsible for our part of our relationship with our children. If you are not acting in an alienating manner ignore his claims and carry on loving your child(ren).

Just please never stand in your child's way of having a relationship with their other parent. (As an AP he will do enough damage on his own. He does not need any help from you. Rather than get into the mud with him stay clean. There is a lot of evidence in this group that eventually our kiddos wake and see parents who have been loving victims of the abuse of alienation and they return to us. If you get into the mud you damage the chances of this.)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Bear

For 190 days I have been locked in a daily ritual with Kiddo's teddy bear. Amber the bear and I have a nightly date. At bedtime, we have a cuddle and I whisper all of my love to Kiddo through Amber. As I rub the bear's fur above the forehead like Kiddo has loved from the day they were born. I tell Kiddo how much I love them, how proud I am of the person they are growing into, my wished for them to have a great nights sleep and a most beautiful day the next day. That I know they love me deeply that they are getting that message through to me and it is speaking louder than the hurtful ones they feel compelled to give because of struggles I know they are having from the choice they told me their dad was making them make. That they are very much missed not only at that moment but always. I tell Kiddo I am here for them and when they are ready to come home. Our love is strong and we will work beyond this. Then after giving the Amber bear a ton of kisses I set it in its place with on...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Fear

As a survivor of an adolescent suicide attempt I unconscionably surrounded myself with many other survivors as well. This was helpful during Kiddos early admitted struggle with suicidal ideation. Everyone reached out with their tales of survival for Kiddo. Hopefully it still helpful as Kiddo. All self harming by Kiddo that I am aware of to date has been rudimentary. I know they are still struggling you can see it living within their eyes. I live in fear of not being able to get the help they need to also become a survivor story. 
Post a Comment
Read more

I am my child's answer...

I KNOW I am my child's answer. I have never doubted this. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJjJNKpekw0 ) I have sought assistance to help me help my child with their challenges for many years. We have hit a lot of brick walls many times because of resistance being created by the AP. Kiddo' challenges are at least partially created by APs alienating behavior. How do I get all of the "professionals" that are now enabling the continued escalation of alienation by the AP to get the hell out of the way of the over a decade of deep attachment roots I fostered with kiddo? Kiddo would love (and tried for at least five years) with the AP while maintaining our attachment. Kiddo feels forced to choose one or the other. Kiddo sat many times sobbing in my arms saying they needed to choose. They could not love both. They have been told they cannot love both parents. [I tried for the first ten years of kiddos life to get AP to engage in kiddos life and then realized I was ...
Post a Comment
Read more