Mumma Struggles

As a survivor of an adolescent suicide attempt I unconscionably surrounded myself with many other survivors as well. This was helpful during Kiddos early admitted struggle with suicidal ideation. Everyone reached out with their tales of survival for Kiddo. Hopefully it still helpful as Kiddo. All self harming by Kiddo that I am aware of to date has been rudimentary. I know they are still struggling you can see it living within their eyes. I live in fear of not being able to get the help they need to also become a survivor story. 

For 190 days I have been locked in a daily ritual with Kiddo's teddy bear. Amber the bear and I have a nightly date. At bedtime, we have a cuddle and I whisper all of my love to Kiddo through Amber. As I rub the bear's fur above the forehead like Kiddo has loved from the day they were born. I tell Kiddo how much I love them, how proud I am of the person they are growing into, my wished for them to have a great nights sleep and a most beautiful day the next day. That I know they love me deeply that they are getting that message through to me and it is speaking louder than the hurtful ones they feel compelled to give because of struggles I know they are having from the choice they told me their dad was making them make. That they are very much missed not only at that moment but always. I tell Kiddo I am here for them and when they are ready to come home. Our love is strong and we will work beyond this. Then after giving the Amber bear a ton of kisses I set it in its place with on...

I do not answer if I know AP is triggered because nothing good ever comes from it. Projection, I have seen a number of alienators accuse the target parent of alienation. You are not alone. Years ago, my ex gave me a pamphlet on alienation on which he had highlighted the actions he was accusing me of participating. I knew I was not participating in alienation activities. I was very conscious of not letting Kiddo know just how bad the relationship between me and father is. He was abusive and I was exit safety planning with a counselor when they were a baby when AP came home and announced he was leaving. I felt like I won the lottery and avoided a huge physical attack I felt he was building up to. In the years since I have learned how to manage the conflict and Kiddo had no conscious memory of any of the abuse. All communication with any possibility of conflict has been via writing for a very long time. I have always been super conscious of my words and body lang...